Good Morning!!
So I didn't goto bed until almost 5am and somehow managed to wake up at 9am. I have no idea how! Well... maybe because my body is used to getting no sleep! lol After my post last night I feel a little better its nice to word vomit all over the internet sometimes, it's kind of like a release and peace of mind. However, I may delete that post eventually because... Well it's kind of depressing and my goal for this upcoming year is to be positive, then again if you really want to get inside my head I guess you have go to know the good and the bad right??
So today there is a youtube gathering (mini) downtown Toronto in Dundas square. I'm thinking of hitting it up with MsSatan a cool girl I've met through that site... well the whole internet thingy! I might get back into things after seeing a bunch of people! Who know? All I know is I need to get this train back on the tracks and get it rolling again! Yeah! I feel like I may get addicted to blogging again. So beware because if you are going to read this you are going to get a lot of me! Now I must get ready and Starbucks myself in order to get through with this day!!
Byeeeeee!
-Cynnnnn
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
First Blog/Risks/Life/Friendships/Blah/Oh Hey Restlesness!
So it's Tuesday at 1:04am. It's been a while since I've been up this late. And about ummmm about 4 years since I've used a blogging website. Over four years... July 6, 2006 was the last time... I was 18! Weird... So long ago. Where has time gone!? So much has changed. Well I'm switching from livejournal because welll... does anyone even use it anymore? Plus... the past is the past! Oh well I'm back now. I like the idea of blogging it's a good way to clear your head. Especially when you are restless and it's nothing but a jumbled mess. In my case that's all the time. I'm trying to decide whether I will advertise this blog or just see who stumbles upon it... Yah. That will be wayyy more fun! Alright here we go!
So. Life is interesting. It's kind of one huge mess. A huge mess I can't figure out. Which part do I start cleaning up first? There is just a huge tangled pile of Shi* that is my life right now. I'm lacking direction and that sucks. My youtube channel. Well I'm kind of letting that die... Not intentionally of course. Well not intentionally consciously but subconsciously probably. Make sense? Head hurt yet? I don't know... I just feel like i always set my self up for failure. Pretty lame right? It's been like that my whole life. Once I have something good going I seem to set my self up for failure and run away. Relationships, Work, School ect. Self destruction is my specialty. Hey now, let's get out of this emo path we are heading down and move on. So thing to improve number 1. Somehow encourage yourself to post content on your youtube channel. How hard can that be? Well maybe you should stop setting high expectations for yourself. I mean don't drop them completely and degrade yourself but ease up a bit! Jeeeez! Did I just say jeez... Oh dear... Did I just say Oh Dear? Okay Stop Cyn! Wait... why am I talking to myself in the third person. Clearly I am crazy. Awesome.
Thing #2. Find a job you don't hate. Uh... don't hate. If you hate your job quit it! But not if you can't support yourself without one. Save the money so that if this situation arises you can bail and find a new job. I have er... had been working 2 jobs for about 3 months. The original job I had well I walked out on them and pretty much told them I hated them and working there. Miserable/jealous mangers = gtfo and fast. I don't need to be patronized or treated like a child! I'm not in highschool anymore! Hah! I guess prancing around in heels for 8 hours and glamorizing serving food entertaining creepy men was no longer fun. Wait was it ever? (Well I did enjoy getting prettied up for work but...) Yeah... But I mean i don't want to work in the Bartending/Service industry forever I need to finish my education!! Which leads to issue #3.
GO BACK TO SCHOOL GIRL!
I wish it were that easy! I used to have my life path so figured out and now... Well I just don't know anymore. I have always been a science nerd. Physics my specialty. I always wanted to end up in the medical field whether Veterinary or Peoples. Hah. Peoples. I sound soooo edumacated! But in all seriousness I am seriously lost. When you had your life figured out at age 4 and all of a sudden you've lost your way what can you really do? Try to figure out a new path. What if I still want to pursue original path and don't even know it? What's even worse is I don't even know what I want to do anymore, and that's what scares me. I want to be successful I don't want to be a server/bartender forever, and lets be honest my looks won't always be there. Which means the tips will lessen/ no one will employee me to work in a bar. They want the hot young things! lol. The bar/service industry is a superficial place. Unless I intend to be one of those 40 something plus women working in a roadside diner asking you if "you want more coffee hun?" No thanks. So seriously I need to figure this out. I am so effing lost! So should I just continue my Science undergrad and finish the original plan? Will I be happy that is the question? I am getting more frustrated typing this out. I really don't know what to do. Like I said my life is a tangled mess!! I will figure this out... but I need to get a move on and fast!
Which is another thing. Patience. I don't like waiting. When I want something I want it now! I don't want to wait. This can sometimes lead to anxiety/panic attacks. I have a hard time letting things be/waiting it out. Patience isn't great all the time. Waiting to figure your life out... Well it may just pass me by. I don't want it to be to late and have a bajillion regrets. I can see it now I'll be one of those 85 year olds (if I make it to there) telling all the youngins about my day and what I wish I had done... Or I would lie about how amazing my life was the way I wanted it to be. After I figured it all out 60 something years later. Pathetic. I will not let that be me!!! I will stop being scared. I need to take risks.
Risks... Another thing. You cant walk blindly into something or you may regret it bad. Or trust the wrong people. You may get burned badder. Hah. Thats not even a word/proper grammar is it? Let's use the word worse shall we? Mmmmkay. I used to trust everyone and think everything would always work out. I used to think all my friends were good people. Stupid. The world is full of two faced people and people out for themselves and only themselves, there are also extremely evil people in this world. Sorry if I sound harsh! Alright the point being I've done some things rather blindly and I've gotten burned pretty bad. Don't trust people unless they've earned your trust. Be really careful. After the events of almost 2 years ago now well... Now I trust nobody but myself. I made some choices in desperation which almost got me killed. I was in serious danger. I don't want to go into details because well.... I've blacked that part out of my life. Really though at somepoint I need to face it because it is probably holding me back. Again lets go away from the emo path. Anyway yeah, one day I need to start letting people into my life again, because similar to school and careerwise it's all gonna pass me by and I'll be full of regrets. My life motto used to be "In life you have got to take risks, if you don't take them you will never know what could have been." I need to modify it I think. I think it will now be a modified version of it. A safer versions. Risks and safe in the same sentence? Is that even possible? I don't even know! But... yeah.. If anyone is still reading at this point help me out!
Friendships. I really need to touch on this. In the past year and a half I have lost many. All of it pretty going back to the incident/event in my life I don't want to talk about. Anyways.... Staying as positive as I possibly can. My anxiety got the worst of me I panicked and shut people out/ was careless/selfish/ just horrible in general. I lost myself and self destructed pretty much. I did/said things I regret because I really didn't care about life anymore. I hate myself for it... However, I believe that if things are meant to be, in the end they will work out. Meaning the friendships will come back if they are supposed to. However, relationship wise I've always shut people out/ended it when I felt like we were getting to close. I don't know why. I just delete people from my life i guess its easier then dealing with the pain when it all ends and everything is so entangled that surgery would be needed to separate you. Wait what? Mmm yeah. So hard to stay positive. But if you really want to get to know me, I guess you need to know the good and the bad take it or leave it. Anyways I was offered therapy due to the events, I considered it briefly and then kind of blacked it out. Now though I think it's time to face my demons and move forward with my life and fufill my goals even if I don't know what they are.
I want to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I doubt they would be reading this but I'm throwing it out there. Mhhhmm yeah. Soo... I have lost my train of thought. If you don't know me... Well by reading this you will probably figure out that I am a huge scatterbrain. Mmm my room smells like gingerbread right now. I loveee that smell. I need to get another one of those candles its almost all gone. =( Blah now I'm off topic where was I.
As I am typing this out it is not almost 2am 1:51 to be exact. Wow it's been a long time and I'm still not sorted. My two pups are lying on my bed with me! Just got another one btw! His name is Cooper! He looked just like Missy so I had to adopt him. He's a rescue so he's a little scared but he's coming around he's been home for over a week so progress is being made. Speaking of dogs. I always seem to get one when I'm making a drastic life change. Weird. I love my doggies though. They are my support system believe it or not. So correcting what I said earlier I don't trust anyone but myself and my dogs. lol. Honestly I'm not a complete downer! Things have been looking up and I am becoming more social again... I do have good people in my life! Maybe it's getting to late to make sense. I'm frusterated because I feel like I haven't been concise. Yeah... I'm a little messed up but aren't we all? I shall continue another day. Untill thennnn....
-Cynnnnn
So. Life is interesting. It's kind of one huge mess. A huge mess I can't figure out. Which part do I start cleaning up first? There is just a huge tangled pile of Shi* that is my life right now. I'm lacking direction and that sucks. My youtube channel. Well I'm kind of letting that die... Not intentionally of course. Well not intentionally consciously but subconsciously probably. Make sense? Head hurt yet? I don't know... I just feel like i always set my self up for failure. Pretty lame right? It's been like that my whole life. Once I have something good going I seem to set my self up for failure and run away. Relationships, Work, School ect. Self destruction is my specialty. Hey now, let's get out of this emo path we are heading down and move on. So thing to improve number 1. Somehow encourage yourself to post content on your youtube channel. How hard can that be? Well maybe you should stop setting high expectations for yourself. I mean don't drop them completely and degrade yourself but ease up a bit! Jeeeez! Did I just say jeez... Oh dear... Did I just say Oh Dear? Okay Stop Cyn! Wait... why am I talking to myself in the third person. Clearly I am crazy. Awesome.
Thing #2. Find a job you don't hate. Uh... don't hate. If you hate your job quit it! But not if you can't support yourself without one. Save the money so that if this situation arises you can bail and find a new job. I have er... had been working 2 jobs for about 3 months. The original job I had well I walked out on them and pretty much told them I hated them and working there. Miserable/jealous mangers = gtfo and fast. I don't need to be patronized or treated like a child! I'm not in highschool anymore! Hah! I guess prancing around in heels for 8 hours and glamorizing serving food entertaining creepy men was no longer fun. Wait was it ever? (Well I did enjoy getting prettied up for work but...) Yeah... But I mean i don't want to work in the Bartending/Service industry forever I need to finish my education!! Which leads to issue #3.
GO BACK TO SCHOOL GIRL!
I wish it were that easy! I used to have my life path so figured out and now... Well I just don't know anymore. I have always been a science nerd. Physics my specialty. I always wanted to end up in the medical field whether Veterinary or Peoples. Hah. Peoples. I sound soooo edumacated! But in all seriousness I am seriously lost. When you had your life figured out at age 4 and all of a sudden you've lost your way what can you really do? Try to figure out a new path. What if I still want to pursue original path and don't even know it? What's even worse is I don't even know what I want to do anymore, and that's what scares me. I want to be successful I don't want to be a server/bartender forever, and lets be honest my looks won't always be there. Which means the tips will lessen/ no one will employee me to work in a bar. They want the hot young things! lol. The bar/service industry is a superficial place. Unless I intend to be one of those 40 something plus women working in a roadside diner asking you if "you want more coffee hun?" No thanks. So seriously I need to figure this out. I am so effing lost! So should I just continue my Science undergrad and finish the original plan? Will I be happy that is the question? I am getting more frustrated typing this out. I really don't know what to do. Like I said my life is a tangled mess!! I will figure this out... but I need to get a move on and fast!
Which is another thing. Patience. I don't like waiting. When I want something I want it now! I don't want to wait. This can sometimes lead to anxiety/panic attacks. I have a hard time letting things be/waiting it out. Patience isn't great all the time. Waiting to figure your life out... Well it may just pass me by. I don't want it to be to late and have a bajillion regrets. I can see it now I'll be one of those 85 year olds (if I make it to there) telling all the youngins about my day and what I wish I had done... Or I would lie about how amazing my life was the way I wanted it to be. After I figured it all out 60 something years later. Pathetic. I will not let that be me!!! I will stop being scared. I need to take risks.
Risks... Another thing. You cant walk blindly into something or you may regret it bad. Or trust the wrong people. You may get burned badder. Hah. Thats not even a word/proper grammar is it? Let's use the word worse shall we? Mmmmkay. I used to trust everyone and think everything would always work out. I used to think all my friends were good people. Stupid. The world is full of two faced people and people out for themselves and only themselves, there are also extremely evil people in this world. Sorry if I sound harsh! Alright the point being I've done some things rather blindly and I've gotten burned pretty bad. Don't trust people unless they've earned your trust. Be really careful. After the events of almost 2 years ago now well... Now I trust nobody but myself. I made some choices in desperation which almost got me killed. I was in serious danger. I don't want to go into details because well.... I've blacked that part out of my life. Really though at somepoint I need to face it because it is probably holding me back. Again lets go away from the emo path. Anyway yeah, one day I need to start letting people into my life again, because similar to school and careerwise it's all gonna pass me by and I'll be full of regrets. My life motto used to be "In life you have got to take risks, if you don't take them you will never know what could have been." I need to modify it I think. I think it will now be a modified version of it. A safer versions. Risks and safe in the same sentence? Is that even possible? I don't even know! But... yeah.. If anyone is still reading at this point help me out!
Friendships. I really need to touch on this. In the past year and a half I have lost many. All of it pretty going back to the incident/event in my life I don't want to talk about. Anyways.... Staying as positive as I possibly can. My anxiety got the worst of me I panicked and shut people out/ was careless/selfish/ just horrible in general. I lost myself and self destructed pretty much. I did/said things I regret because I really didn't care about life anymore. I hate myself for it... However, I believe that if things are meant to be, in the end they will work out. Meaning the friendships will come back if they are supposed to. However, relationship wise I've always shut people out/ended it when I felt like we were getting to close. I don't know why. I just delete people from my life i guess its easier then dealing with the pain when it all ends and everything is so entangled that surgery would be needed to separate you. Wait what? Mmm yeah. So hard to stay positive. But if you really want to get to know me, I guess you need to know the good and the bad take it or leave it. Anyways I was offered therapy due to the events, I considered it briefly and then kind of blacked it out. Now though I think it's time to face my demons and move forward with my life and fufill my goals even if I don't know what they are.
I want to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I doubt they would be reading this but I'm throwing it out there. Mhhhmm yeah. Soo... I have lost my train of thought. If you don't know me... Well by reading this you will probably figure out that I am a huge scatterbrain. Mmm my room smells like gingerbread right now. I loveee that smell. I need to get another one of those candles its almost all gone. =( Blah now I'm off topic where was I.
As I am typing this out it is not almost 2am 1:51 to be exact. Wow it's been a long time and I'm still not sorted. My two pups are lying on my bed with me! Just got another one btw! His name is Cooper! He looked just like Missy so I had to adopt him. He's a rescue so he's a little scared but he's coming around he's been home for over a week so progress is being made. Speaking of dogs. I always seem to get one when I'm making a drastic life change. Weird. I love my doggies though. They are my support system believe it or not. So correcting what I said earlier I don't trust anyone but myself and my dogs. lol. Honestly I'm not a complete downer! Things have been looking up and I am becoming more social again... I do have good people in my life! Maybe it's getting to late to make sense. I'm frusterated because I feel like I haven't been concise. Yeah... I'm a little messed up but aren't we all? I shall continue another day. Untill thennnn....
-Cynnnnn
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